Imperium of Man
+++ Taken From Essays On Humanity: Vol. CCXI
Speaker: Brother Lieutenant Abrahim Sahn, Ultramarines Third Company.
Transcription begins +++
It has a lot to do with memory, I think, how we remember… being. I remember, years ago, during a moment of personal doubt, Chaplain Durin asking me what my humanity meant to me. I told him that it gave me something to fight for, gave me purpose. He made an odd sound, I recall. I realise now that I wasn’t talking about my humanity, but humanity in general. The species. I hadn’t actually answered his question, you see. But, in a way, I had. I would have liked to talk to him about it more, but he fell in battle thirteen years ago. Such is the way of things.
If I could speak to him now, how would I answer the question? What does my humanity mean to me. Hmm. Well, I think now, I would ask him back, what is it to be human? I am older. I have fought alongside humans of all stripes for decades. And every single time, regardless of who they are, I have felt… apart. I think because I, we, are apart from the rest of humanity. Are the greatest defenders of humanity even human any more?
I certainly was human, once, and were it not for a chance encounter, I would still be human. Well, more likely I would be dead by now, but nevertheless, my point stands. There is a profound point of divergence in my life, in the lives of all those like me, where one is a boy and then, one is a space marine. I hesitate to call it becoming a man, because, well, consider one’s expectations for a man, and then consider us. Are we, by conventional metrics, men? We are often referred to as transhuman in a way that not even the most cybernetic members of the Adeptus Mechanicum are afforded. Where the Tech-Priests actively turn aside their humanity, We, Astartes, are human, and yet not. We exist as both humans, and as something more and less than human.
When I was a child, I would try on my sister’s clothes when I thought myself alone. I think, perhaps, I did not feel ‘right’ as a boy. But also, trying to perceive myself as a girl also did not feel correct. My sister and I, we fought in a gang. Brutal, unnecessary violence for a child, but with her I felt correct. It wasn’t until I was taken by the chapter, and she was not, that I became acutely aware of the fundamental differences in how other people viewed us both. I was, ostensibly, a boy, and therefore an acceptable candidate, and she was not. Never mind, of course, that she was the better fighter of the two of us, the better thinker, the better strategist. They took me as a boy and made me into something else.
I often wonder why they have to take boys. I understand that the process is complex, and requires specific biological parameters to be successful, but I also understand that dividing up ‘boys’ and ‘girls’ is an oversimplification. I think back to a friend, who I shared secrets with. She, when I first came to know her, was a boy. It wasn’t until later that she realised she was a girl. The gangs of the city we came from were largely accepting of such things, and we remained friends until I was taken. Such decisions are human, no? That choice, the ability to define oneself? She had yet to start any treatment, she was chemically, I suppose, no different from me, who even in my confusion still grudgingly accepted my assigned boyhood. She could have been taken, if it were a simple matter of biology. She certainly fought as hard as me. But she wasn’t taken. Would it have mattered what she saw in herself? Now, I personally feel a great deal of peace in myself these days. Yes, we Astartes are conditioned to instil a certain, unshakability, but now I am a person who is… not a man. Not a woman, of course, but also not a man. I was a boy, like I say, And then I became something else. Perhaps that’s the key of it. Perhaps all successful Astartes initiates are like me, in a way. That feeling of not being quite the boy, or man, or whichever, that the people around us say we are. A desire to break away from that. A willingness to give up the notions of manhood we had assigned to us and accept a new role, a new identity. We get made into something else, and even though we use a lot of the terms one would associate with men, brother, he, lord, for example, I feel as if those terms are a hold over. I was a brother, once. I had a sister. So, using ‘brother’ now is… still correct? Or at least, correct enough?
I attended, as part of a diplomatic delegation to a Forge World, a Sermon-Lecture by a Magos Biologis, an expert on xenos species. He spoke to us, a mixed group of various individuals from across the imperium, on the mindset of the Greenskins, so that we may better understand them and thus, defeat them. He postulated that the Greenskins referred to themselves using ‘Boys’ and ‘Lads’ because they copied it from humanity. The Militarum, despite the actual demographics of its composition at any given time, is still prone to using masculine terms. The Orks met our Imperial Army during the Great Crusade, and then the Militarum afterwards. What if, to a race possessed of some degree of gestalt consciousness, the Magos argued, the way the guard referred to itself was the first straightforward way the Orks had come across of expressing the self, and they simply copied it? Certainly, the Militarum represents a brute force display of strength the Orks would find pleasing, in a simple way, and worthy of emulation even if they would never admit it. What if the guard colloquially used, say, ladies and girls instead? Would we have Orks forming up grand hordes of lasses and shout about getting rowdy with the gals? You laugh, scrivener, as many did in the lecture hall that day, but there is a great deal of wisdom in the Magos’ words. We are who we are, but we explain ourselves in ways we learn from others. I think that is as true for humans as it is for Orks, and in mine and my battle-brothers’ case we use male terms simply because it is the most straightforward.
Back to my Chaplain’s question. What does my humanity mean to me? What does any individual’s humanity mean to anyone? Different things. I suppose you want some grand proclamation of unshakable resolve or pride or somesuch? I’ve read earlier volumes of your journal, I know there will be plenty of that. Instead, I will say this. My humanity is a thing to be compared to others. It ties me to a group, to my species, but also it explains how I am different from others in my species. That even though I am beyond human, I am still possessed of humanity. That even though I am not a man, I stand amongst men, and women, and those others who are neither. We have a shared goal, a shared future. Ha, that was a bit of a proclamation after all wasn’t it? Hmm.
+++Transcription Ends+++
Speaker: Brother Lieutenant Abrahim Sahn, Ultramarines Third Company.
Transcription begins +++
It has a lot to do with memory, I think, how we remember… being. I remember, years ago, during a moment of personal doubt, Chaplain Durin asking me what my humanity meant to me. I told him that it gave me something to fight for, gave me purpose. He made an odd sound, I recall. I realise now that I wasn’t talking about my humanity, but humanity in general. The species. I hadn’t actually answered his question, you see. But, in a way, I had. I would have liked to talk to him about it more, but he fell in battle thirteen years ago. Such is the way of things.
If I could speak to him now, how would I answer the question? What does my humanity mean to me. Hmm. Well, I think now, I would ask him back, what is it to be human? I am older. I have fought alongside humans of all stripes for decades. And every single time, regardless of who they are, I have felt… apart. I think because I, we, are apart from the rest of humanity. Are the greatest defenders of humanity even human any more?
I certainly was human, once, and were it not for a chance encounter, I would still be human. Well, more likely I would be dead by now, but nevertheless, my point stands. There is a profound point of divergence in my life, in the lives of all those like me, where one is a boy and then, one is a space marine. I hesitate to call it becoming a man, because, well, consider one’s expectations for a man, and then consider us. Are we, by conventional metrics, men? We are often referred to as transhuman in a way that not even the most cybernetic members of the Adeptus Mechanicum are afforded. Where the Tech-Priests actively turn aside their humanity, We, Astartes, are human, and yet not. We exist as both humans, and as something more and less than human.
When I was a child, I would try on my sister’s clothes when I thought myself alone. I think, perhaps, I did not feel ‘right’ as a boy. But also, trying to perceive myself as a girl also did not feel correct. My sister and I, we fought in a gang. Brutal, unnecessary violence for a child, but with her I felt correct. It wasn’t until I was taken by the chapter, and she was not, that I became acutely aware of the fundamental differences in how other people viewed us both. I was, ostensibly, a boy, and therefore an acceptable candidate, and she was not. Never mind, of course, that she was the better fighter of the two of us, the better thinker, the better strategist. They took me as a boy and made me into something else.
I often wonder why they have to take boys. I understand that the process is complex, and requires specific biological parameters to be successful, but I also understand that dividing up ‘boys’ and ‘girls’ is an oversimplification. I think back to a friend, who I shared secrets with. She, when I first came to know her, was a boy. It wasn’t until later that she realised she was a girl. The gangs of the city we came from were largely accepting of such things, and we remained friends until I was taken. Such decisions are human, no? That choice, the ability to define oneself? She had yet to start any treatment, she was chemically, I suppose, no different from me, who even in my confusion still grudgingly accepted my assigned boyhood. She could have been taken, if it were a simple matter of biology. She certainly fought as hard as me. But she wasn’t taken. Would it have mattered what she saw in herself? Now, I personally feel a great deal of peace in myself these days. Yes, we Astartes are conditioned to instil a certain, unshakability, but now I am a person who is… not a man. Not a woman, of course, but also not a man. I was a boy, like I say, And then I became something else. Perhaps that’s the key of it. Perhaps all successful Astartes initiates are like me, in a way. That feeling of not being quite the boy, or man, or whichever, that the people around us say we are. A desire to break away from that. A willingness to give up the notions of manhood we had assigned to us and accept a new role, a new identity. We get made into something else, and even though we use a lot of the terms one would associate with men, brother, he, lord, for example, I feel as if those terms are a hold over. I was a brother, once. I had a sister. So, using ‘brother’ now is… still correct? Or at least, correct enough?
I attended, as part of a diplomatic delegation to a Forge World, a Sermon-Lecture by a Magos Biologis, an expert on xenos species. He spoke to us, a mixed group of various individuals from across the imperium, on the mindset of the Greenskins, so that we may better understand them and thus, defeat them. He postulated that the Greenskins referred to themselves using ‘Boys’ and ‘Lads’ because they copied it from humanity. The Militarum, despite the actual demographics of its composition at any given time, is still prone to using masculine terms. The Orks met our Imperial Army during the Great Crusade, and then the Militarum afterwards. What if, to a race possessed of some degree of gestalt consciousness, the Magos argued, the way the guard referred to itself was the first straightforward way the Orks had come across of expressing the self, and they simply copied it? Certainly, the Militarum represents a brute force display of strength the Orks would find pleasing, in a simple way, and worthy of emulation even if they would never admit it. What if the guard colloquially used, say, ladies and girls instead? Would we have Orks forming up grand hordes of lasses and shout about getting rowdy with the gals? You laugh, scrivener, as many did in the lecture hall that day, but there is a great deal of wisdom in the Magos’ words. We are who we are, but we explain ourselves in ways we learn from others. I think that is as true for humans as it is for Orks, and in mine and my battle-brothers’ case we use male terms simply because it is the most straightforward.
Back to my Chaplain’s question. What does my humanity mean to me? What does any individual’s humanity mean to anyone? Different things. I suppose you want some grand proclamation of unshakable resolve or pride or somesuch? I’ve read earlier volumes of your journal, I know there will be plenty of that. Instead, I will say this. My humanity is a thing to be compared to others. It ties me to a group, to my species, but also it explains how I am different from others in my species. That even though I am beyond human, I am still possessed of humanity. That even though I am not a man, I stand amongst men, and women, and those others who are neither. We have a shared goal, a shared future. Ha, that was a bit of a proclamation after all wasn’t it? Hmm.
+++Transcription Ends+++
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